For a Reason, for a Season

“For a time, then, we stay. For a time. Till the changes.” 

Joanne Harris, Chocolat

Our life has settled into a contract with its new landscape, allowing to be shaped by its busy architecture while also leaving its own mark on whatever it comes in touch with. It’s made a few twists and turns and a couple of backflips to get over obstacles on its way – before quickly resettling into a forceful but steady flow.

Getting up before the sun is finally getting easier now that even the sun doesn’t want to get up. The only souls I meet during my morning run in the city of ten million inhabitants are a couple of dog walkers. Saturday mornings are a happy exception: I join two hundred other runners to race two laps around Finsbury Park in the weekly Park Run event. I’ve made it from the fourth to the second fastest woman in my category (aren’t you proud, mum?) in a distance I didn’t much care for in the past. Afterwards, many of us gather in the park cafe for this latest British sports nutrition fad you should try: tea and cake.

I have some fruit in the office, as part of this new ‘old’ life, too. There are baskets of small, unripe bananas, mandarins and figs with the succulent taste of corporate wellbeing. Desperate for a gustatory reminder of our year in South America, I’ve been looking to find a custard apple in London’s best markets and whole food stores, to no avail.

So I sketched new plans on new projects in countries where fruit is being grown. Where people produce and don’t just consume. The advert panel on my browser flashes pictures of apartments in suburbs which I can’t pronounce. But basically what happened next is that when I disabled my out-of-office I mistakenly forgot to disable ‘me’, and soon came a friendly but stern management reminder that this was a “business”, not “a travel agency”. One shall not just butterfly around without a business purpose. One shall articulate her commercial story and take every opportunity to bore everyone to death with it. That’s the company policy.

For one solid week I cried over this unsolicited psychoanalysis. It was true and I needed to hear it. Out of all the wicked things one could be in this world, there’s nothing quite as lowly than a person who makes a career out of always wanting to be everywhere else apart from where she is, and transports that over-sized dissatisfaction wherever she goes weighing down not just herself but those who love her:


Many years ago, I had a dream where I was on a cruise ship. Walking along the corridors, opening doors that blocked my way, I climbed up narrow steps from deck to deck, and passed other passengers. After a while, I noticed that the doors didn’t change. Each deck I arrived on, I had been on before. Not only that, but the faces I saw were the same. The events repeated themselves. It was like being entertained by a 90s Microsoft screensaver. I was locked inside a matrix of de-ja-vus and to get out, I started harassing fellow passengers for directions. Their insouciant answer was that there were no exits, only entrances, but why would anyone want to leave such a great place!

I probably wrote this dream down all those years ago, because at that point I had nothing else to write about. I had finished my degree, broken up with my boyfriend, and been rejected for a grant to study in New York. Because there were no other viable cities on the earth, I returned to my old depressing waitressing job in a sandwich bar and became a 3-D public health campaign against studying Sociology.

Having the sense that tomorrow is going to be a repeat of today is a prison sentence – and I’m basing that analogy on a wholly personal experience of watching three seasons of the Orange is the New Black. It has a catchy theme song by Regina Spektor, which goes “taking steps is easy, standing still is hard”. It’s still bloody hard, even if I’m no longer 23 and have a better albeit fleeting understanding of the seasonality of life.

I think there’s a subtle difference between ‘comatose’ and ‘still’, which is why I’m dismissing ‘hatha yoga’ when I say the closest I get to stillness is when I’m running. It’s when I achieve what  Ultra Runner Girl describes as “the comfort of the void”:

“…when my legs are in motion, I’m there. I’m in the present – I’m at ‘more’, if only for a brief minute. This is the comfort of the void. In the pain, the suffering, the triumph, the struggle, my constant drive for ‘more’ is silenced. By moving forward in space, I allow myself to stand still in time.”  

It is in these moments when I admit that the only thing wrong with the present is that what it is followed by may go wrong. But after a week in an emotional state, my future tapped me on the shoulder and told about her frustration over always being the one that gets judged. I promised to give it a break – at least until I’m in that chapter. Right now I’m on that page where we watch fireworks with friends we didn’t know three months ago. I’m in that part where the autumn days have spilled over to the early winter, and the leaves have missed their cue to die. Their lingering red tones have been so awakening I could hear them. I could hear them in Elizabeth Gilbert’s voice: You. Are. Here. This is not a conviction. Your life is not happening somewhere else, and you’re not on hold until that moment comes. (If that’s not quite what the leaves are saying where you are, you can download the podcast here.)

IMG_0213 IMG_0214


An imam once said that whatever is meant for me will not miss me, and whatever misses me wasn’t meant for me. A friend  once said that that was bullshit. So listening to both, I’m choosing to believe that, if you’re called for an adventure, it will come and find you wherever you are – so you better be there. In the meantime, I’ll keep my (bull)shit together.

PS. The other day I walked past my corner shop, like one does. And there they were, understated between your avocados and your mangos: small but ripening.


Tagged , , ,

Please Disable Your Out-of-Office

In my last post I said this blog was about to get really interesting, and I have more than exceeded expectations.  I’ve been back at work for over two months now, and in my current role as a ‘leadership and cross-cutting issues performance driver’, the following quote in my Facebook feed today resonated with me enough to write a blog post:

“We must do away with the absolutely specious notion that everybody has to earn a living. It is a fact today that one in ten thousand of us can make a technological breakthrough capable of supporting all the rest. The youth of today are absolutely right in recognizing this nonsense of earning a living. We keep inventing jobs because of this false idea that everybody has to be employed at some kind of drudgery because, according to Malthusian-Darwinian theory, he must justify his right to exist. So we have inspectors of inspectors and people making instruments for inspectors to inspect inspectors. The true business of people should be to go back to school and think about whatever it was they were thinking about before somebody came along and told them they had to earn a living.”

R. Buckminster Fuller (1895-1983)

In a glass building in London it is very difficult to make “I ran around 80 km per week” sound like a good use of time – especially if that time consists of a full (financial) year. What, I didn’t found even one teeny-weeny start-up? Or a charity to capacity build  indigenous women to make bracelets perhaps? Taught English? Nope. I just was. In Peru. And occasionally I ran.

“Yes, but what did you actually do?”

The funny thing is why I’m not asking the people in the office the same question. To an extent, a time could have been stopped for the whole year – bar some changes to a desk booking system (which doesn’t work) and the canteen, and a few greyer heads, everything looks more or less like I left it over a year ago.

If anything, I feel even less motivated by this emperor’s new clothes business, where I currently am the one with the responsibility for booking meetings for the senior needle and doing the admin for the senior specialist thread. As you might have guessed from my fancy job title above.

Your identity pends on your job, and not on the other things you do (if you have time to do other things).  On my career break, I used my business card to get access, and in the Immigration forms I would write as my occupation the one that I was having a break from. This would make others see that I’m not just a single mum, I am someone. Whether that job has any point is beside the point, and while it makes me feel worthless it is why I’m worth something, as the Conservative health secretary Jeremy Hunt recently reminded.

I’ve learnt there are a lot of things in the world that make me happy and that are not my job – or maybe any job out there apart from being a judge at the Great British Bake Off, and that’s ok! Perhaps it’s not in your job’s job description to be fulfilling in every sense, just like it’s not your partner’s responsibility to maintain your expected levels of happiness (although there are  some minimum standards).  I’d like to reclaim the word ‘passion’ and ban it from every single CV. I love writing, running, chirimoyas and my daughter. None of them earns me a living, but does that mean they are not valuable for their own sake? Today I managed  to get up at 5.30 am (this is much harder when it’s colder, darker and waaaayy lonelier than in Lima) and run 10km catching the sunrise over Alexandra Palace. A few hours later, in the office I responded to a request to invite someone to a meeting who had already been invited by another colleague, so I sent a couple of apologetic emails to clear the confusion. A bit of email traffic back and forth. Then I printed  a total of 160 pages of documents (containing an options appraisal for instruments to inspect inspectors, or something in this vein), which nobody in the meeting read, so I chucked these in the confidential waste bin.

Economists may disagree, but I think my most productive moment of the day was before 6.30 am.


On doing what you love and being productive, last month I ran with the guys from Haringey Good Gym. There are GG groups all over London and the UK and they basically do a weekly running session combined with a bit of community work. The picture is from their Facebook page


If you are from work and you’re reading this, I’d like to say that I’m completely passionate about my job, the every day challenges it brings, the people I meet, the value I bring and the sustainable difference I’m making. I thrive on solving every day problems with printers and meeting bookings. Just in case that message was somehow unclear.  

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Going Back to Where I Came From

We swapped hemispheres and left Peru for Europe in July after I had stopped counting my opportunity costs. It had almost been two years since my last visit to my native country. This, combined with everything we’d experienced in the past year or so, contributed to my heightened awareness of place: “Look at those Finnish apples!”; “That Finnish man on that Finnish bus stop”;“I’d forgotten that Finnish road signs are written in that font”…etc. It’s quite tiring, this involuntary mindfulness.

Most of these observations were happy: after Lima, even the Greek crisis feels orderly and reasonably well thought through. When Finnish people were moaning about the cold, I was just happy to breath air that doesn’t leave permanent stains in my lungs. DD was excited about being free to freeze on dozens of beaches without anyone demanding our ID, pedigree or bribes. I managed to run a few kilometres in between many coffee breaks (from doing nothing) and got a new reason to freak out over a lost mobile connection when my cousin and her lovely family introduced us to Geocaching.
IMG_20150721_112813445So when I was offered a lucrative job in Helsinki my soul was subjected to so much searching you would have mistaken it for an unarmed black man. I knew that somewhere behind the Marimekko curtains, there was a different #Finland from the one I was uploading on Instagram.

Far right and me, with all respect, have never got on that well.  Growing up, I always understood that “shit face”, “hottentot” or “whatever-its-name-is” were easier to pronounce than my real name, the meaning of which was also a matter of opinion. (My mum’s.) But being kicked or spat at on top was a bit unnecessary. So in that respect, it’s good to know that these people have grown up to be active participating citizens. The bad news is that we now have a democratically elected far-right populist government.

I’m not that shocked. I’m more surprised that while no-one interfered during my Rosa Parks adaptations on school journeys twenty years ago, now it doesn’t take 48 hours for 15,000 people to turn up to demonstrate, only because an MP has nightmares about multiculturalism and shares that on Facebook.

Even if some, no doubt, were there only because they couldn’t get tickets to the Flow music festival, this was still lots of people in a small country. More than there are inhabitants in the Kauhajoki municipality, four hours north from Helsinki, where another historical event was unfolding: a mixed-race woman in her early 30s fighting a war against 15,000 mosquitos and picking blueberries with her godfather.

Before he was my godfather, overt thirty years ago, he worked in Iraq and smoked a lot. Although his life is less dangerous today, he’s just one of those interesting people. Especially his enviable command of swear words. His second favourite story about me (the first being the confusion caused by me and my cousin deciding to be born on the same day) is when he took me to watch the Kauhajoki samba carnival – which is up there with Rio – in 1998 when Brazil lost to France in the world cup. Apparently, the sight of a strange 15-year-old girl dressed in hot pants raised the carnival spirit of the rising generation of farmers and lumberjacks. (If I ever introduce you to my godfather, pretend that you haven’t heard this already. I do – every year.)

Now you understand the multicultural credentials of my fairy godfather. And not only that: he’s taught me everything I know but haven’t had time to put in practice about feminism and money management. (Too busy falling in love with a Latino and giving up my job to start with.)  While I felt my life was so shitty and corny that Paulo Coelho should write about it, he made me see it wasn’t that bad. So when he confessed he could find a racist streak within himself, I thought he deserved what those of us who are in the right are not that willing to grant. A conversation. He didn’t accept that unemployed refugees in remote Finnish towns took their frustration out by kicking grannies. “Not a good idea,” I say. How everyone, regardless of race and ethnicity, should contribute to the economy. “Yup”. Also what bullcrap it was that mother pigs could not be kept inside dens anymore because some city cunt in the government was concerned about their welfare. “Hmm. That’s multiculturalism gone too far,” I said no longer quite sure everyone’s talking about the same thing. There’s a Finnish saying for when people are talking past each other: “one talks about the fence, the other about the fence pickets”.

No, I don’t really know what exactly fence pickets are either, but I guess that’s the point.

I decided then and there that I had nothing to add to the heated multiculturalism debate in Finland. I’m now back in a town called London and – am a management consultant again! “Finally!”, I’m hearing, finally this blog will have some interesting content!

(At least now that I’ve got an iPhone 6 at the courtesy of my work place, there may be some visual improvement. No promises though.)


Tagged ,

Heart Says Yes, Head Says No

I’m often asked what I think about as I run. Usually the people who ask this have never run long distances themselves. I always ponder the question. What exactly do I think about when I’m running? I don’t have a clue.
– Haruki Murakami, ‘What I Talk About When I Talk About Running’

“Don’t stop until you get there.”

San Pedro de Casta lies about 80 kilometres from Lima. The road climbs some three kilometres up along a narrow mountain roller coaster to the little village that is home to 500 people, donkeys and cows. It is an access point to an ancient site Marcahuasi, which is famous for eroded rocks mystically shaped into people and animals – inspiring generations of archeologists and UFO believers.

This was the route of last Saturday’s training run. One that I never completed. Which is not to say I didn’t see all kinds of mystical things. I started suffering from a bad ‘soroche’, altitude sickness, less than a kilometre from leaving San Pedro de Casta. Even writing about it gives me a headache.

Of course I’d heard of soroche, but I tend to take a lot of confidence in having generous reserves of physical strength supplemented by mental stubbornness and, if everything fails, a pain threshold far, far higher than the threshold for higher tax rate. And the six years spent as a management consultant on the 9th floor in London – how’s that for altitude?

So I equipped myself with a coca-toffee sweet – coca leaves being an Andean folk remedy for altitude sickness – and was pretty much as battle prepared as I was seven years ago when I confidently waddled to a labour ward with a pill of ibuprofen.

Now I just smile and nod when soon to be mothers tell about their plans for natural birth. And now, I also know that people warning me about altitude weren’t necessarily lambasting my physical condition. Nothing to do with my resting heart rate. Apparently even Olympic athletes get altitude sickness. What happens is that your body isn’t used to the reduced levels oxygen that is available at heights of 2,500 metres and above. In some cases fluid builds up in the brain or lungs, which can even be fatal. Soroche has been described to feel like “flu, carbon monoxide poisoning, or a hangover”. Pretty to the point, I’d say, although my preferred choice of conjugation would be ‘and’.

As I rapidly fell behind the group, in between taking photos, I used the voice recorder in my phone, because that is how much I care about this blog. On retrospect, Felipe, who later tried to call me, had a point in questioning the foresight in leaving my other phone that had network  (but no Spotify) in his car. Yet on the other hand, I bet Haruki Murakami wished he had thought like me.

Here is what I thought, as transcribed from the ‘black box’:

“3500 metres… never felt like this before. Is this the point where you turn back? Or maybe there are rewards for stupidity? Probably the oxygen is not going to my head… Oh my god, those cows – I should ask how do they do it? Absolute hell. Oh dear. Ouch. These fucking insects are going to eat me alive.

Why can’t I just go to Virgin Active, like normal people? I can’t see properly. I see everything like it was a filtered Instagram picture where the saturation and contrast are just off… There are people up there, I can hear them. Are these insects getting bigger and bigger? Is that a man in an orange coat or is it just a rock? Oh God… next time I want challenge, I’ll just wrap a plastic bag in my head and run up and down the stairs to Malecón. 

The lethargy I felt was worse than in all of the last year’s team meetings combined. There is a four minute clip about wanting a sausage with proper mustard, or alternatively a Peruvian ‘sanguiche’ with ‘salsa criollo’. No eternal light. No Heaven or Angels. Just a sausage with mustard for me, please.

I found a rock to lie on and slept for a bit, until someone told me to get up. Sleeping could lead to unconsciousness.


…Ok so, I’ve moved 5.3km. That’s 300 metres progress in the past hour. I feel so ill… There were two girls returning, they said they couldn’t find the group anymore. They said the best thing to do was to turn back to the base, and that’s what I’m doing right now, and I already feel better. My legs are fine, my heart is absolutely fine, my breathing is fine, but it’s just this bloody head! I’m not even sweating, and why would I? I haven’t been able to run apart from the 20 metres for the photographer…

I thought it would feel like shortness of breath, but no, it doesn’t feel like that all. You feel like you need to vomit, only if your brain didn’t explode first. There’s a shortage of oxygen in my brain. A shortage of reason as well. I have to go down, find the bus… it’s a bit of  a defeat, you have to return, but I have no desire to go much higher and then get lost anyway.  I’m not running. I’m not sure I can ever become an ultra marathoner. I’ll be happy to run on the asphalt. Bring on the traffic lights, dog shit, congestion, people on your way! 

…Then again, I’d never have this view again, and I’ve never in my life seen anything like this. There’s something depressing about the remote beauty of these mountains. I feel like Ninny, the invisible child, in the Moomins, who wept at the enormousness of the sea. 

Beautiful but so big. I’m thinking about love and my relationship and these mountains. Impressive… make me feel so small and lonely. Part of me wants to carry on, but part of me tells me that I haven’t prepared. I don’t know if I could have. But now I’m so sorry I didn’t make it. We didn’t make it. About leaving in the past a future that never got the chance to be the present.



San Pedro de Casta seen from above

Some obstacles are external, some are internal. I find the latter harder to bear. It took me glorious four hours and four minutes to complete 10k – two weeks earlier I had run 42k faster. Turning back implies failure and, for a moment at least, a lesson learned is a bitter consolation prize. Yet I don’t know if the winner feels any sweeter than the surviver, who returns to the base to the relieved applaud of her worried companions. Those are your friends. But if your attitude to life is ‘better to be sore than sorry’, you also deserve some background noise from people who kept their wanderlust in check and were just more capable of controlling their carnal incontinence.

I wish I never climbed that mountain. I wish I never fell in love with that person.

Yeah. Whatever.

That next mountain training is just over a week away. I wonder what the view will be like from there? (Any tips on how to cope with altitude, please comment.) There are those who say life is not a sprint but a marathon. I’m starting to think life is a trail run.

Hey, you think this is Chicken Run?

“I have nothing to do with her running metaphors.”

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Jack (or Jill) of All Trails

Having ran the 42k last week, got a diarrhoea for the following two days and then my period, I thought I had a fairly good reason to put my feet up. I mean, really up: about 2,500 meters above the sea level, and  join a group of experienced trail runners for a 3 hour vertical jog.


Picture by the SRT, although I failed to get the name of the photographer and will stand the risk of being sued.

I’m more of an asphalt person even if all “long-distance” (over 1500 metres) running in my childhood took place in the Finnish forests. Still, back then nobody with any self respect or healthy concern for their social status would self identify as a cross-country runner.

But now cross-country is back – with a vengeance. Trail running (or fell running in the UK) where backpacking meets running usually happens on a mountainous or at least hilly terrain with a lot of mud/snow/scree. As my very last challenge in Peru, I’ve signed up for a 50k ultra-marathon in Cordillera Blanca, the Andes. Yeah, I know. Never been in altitude. I thought I could start with having the right kind of shoes. Although I’m someone who reads a lot of running magazines and blogs (Google ads think I’m a 65+ multilingual female), the technical language and the expected level of knowledge of shoe anatomy left me bewildered. Besides, in a few months I’ll be worrying about snow and rain, instead of jungle undergrowth, and then I won’t be able to afford (yet) another pair. I email the training organiser for a recommendation and get a pair of Salomon Speed Cross 3.


A custard apple a day…

I meet the Salomon Trail Runners (hence the recommendation), who I found on Facebook, at 5.30am on Saturday and introduce myself. Having spent my life in Finland and England, language barriers have meant that I’ve not had to endure a life time of jokes about my name – just some phonetic abuse. This has changed in Peru. “Dulce?” they say and “On a good day,” I respond. Having also satisfactorily responded to some questioning about my vital numbers and running CV, I feel socially approved. “No – it’s just that yesterday there was someone emailing me who didn’t even know what kind of shoes to wear!”

Just imagine the ignorance of some people!

We head out of Lima, and two hours away hides a little village called Callahuanca, which is Quechua, and means ‘divided rock’. It is also known as the land of ‘chirimoya’, my absolute favourite fruit in the whole world that I didn’t know existed before I came to Peru! Mark Twain apparently called it the most delicious fruit known to men and quite rightly. I love it for its bubble gummy flavour as well as for its texture. (Daughter thinks it’s completely embarrassing I buy the same fruit from the fruit vendor every single day.) It satisfies my sweet tooth, fills me up and is apparently one of the healthiest fruits out there. On top of this, because training in high altitude increases the production of harmful free radicals in the muscles, what a better idea than supporting local farmers and taking home a few kilos of these green antioxidant powerhouses. How many super foods can just one country grow?

Apparently I’ll be ok, as ASDA sells these as ‘custard apples’, but I can’t imagine they compare to the ones in Callahuanca. I may need to take some seeds home with me in any case.


Callahuanca is popular among trekkers and mountain bikers.


My gym last Saturday.


There was some undulation…


…and even a pool with ice cold water waiting for us after 9km. 


Tagged , , ,

Between the Pasta Party and the Post-Marathon BBQ

Tomorrow it’s the Lima Marathon – for those to whom such things matter – ‘el maratón’, which is to be distinguished from ‘la maratón’. The English translation could be ‘the marathon’ vs “a marathon” in quotation marks*, i.e. the actual official distance of 42.195 km vs whatever distance some deceived marketing department has decided to call a marathon. No, Pheidippides the Greek messenger, of the legend on which the race is based, didn’t collapse to death after a 5k, even if by today’s general standards that might seem completely credible.

(*This may not clear the confusion if, like my daughter, one doesn’t know how to use quotation marks, which I hope is the reason why on the mother’s day card she wrote that she was very quote-unquote “happy” that I was her mother.)

So while I’m still digesting yesterday’s pasta and thinking about tomorrow’s BBQ, I’m taking a quick look back on all the preparation that has gone in for tomorrow.


Around 1,500km since August. My clothes have a permanent smell of sweat only a little less notable than that of the synthetic turf of our local football pitch.



The other downside of the above is that I’ve got sick of my Spotify playlist. Here’s the partly updated backbeat.

Gbese – Lil Kesh

Wild for the Night – A$AP Rocky

Ride Wit Me – T.I.

Shots – Broiler Remix – Imagine Dragons

If It Wasn’t For You – Alesso

Hold You – Radio Edit – Basto

Next To Me – Otto Knows

Are You with Me – Radio Edit – Lost Frequencies

FADE – Radio Edit – Wild Culture

Siberia – Instrumental – Tez Cadey

Holidays – ft Alan Palomo – Miami Horror

Stronger – Clean Bandit

Of The Night – Bastille

Tarantula (Ft. Fresh, $Pyda & Tenor Fly) – Pendulum

A Sky Full of Stars – Hardwell Remix – Coldplay

Falling – Radio Edit – Fedde Le Grand

Heroes (we could be) – Alesso


Firestone – Kygo

Shooting Star – Radio Edit – John Dahlbäck

RIVA (Restart The Game) – Radio Edit – Klingande

Seve – Radio Edit – Tez Cadey

Stole the Show – Kygo

Sexual Healing – Kygo Remix – Kygo

Beautiful People – Ultimate Fitness Playlist Power Workout Trax

Kickstarts – Running Music

If I Go – Ella Eyre

Hold My Hand – Jess Glynne

Waves – Robin Schulz Remix – Mr. Probz

Listen (feat. John Legend) – David Guetta

The Nights – Avicii

Numb/Encore – JAY Z

Nobody To Love – TS7 Remix – Sigma

Nobody To Love – Radio Edit – Sigma

Rather Be (feat. Jess Glynne) – Clean Bandit

The Last Ones Standing – Tep No

You’re On – Gramatik Remix – Madeon

The Hanging Tree – Rebel Remix – James Newton Howard

Fade Out Lines – The Avener Rework – The Avener & Phoebe Killdeer

Every Teardrop Is a Waterfall – Coldplay

7 / 11 (Originally Performed by Beyoncé) [Instrumental Version] – Brant Ivory

Alive – Empire Of The Sun

Pompeii – Bastille

Running On A Rainy Day – Paul White

I Had This Thing – Röyksopp

Letter To TINA – Fuse Odg

Outside – Calvin Harris

Alright – Logic

First – Cold War Kids

Last Nite – The Strokes

Red Hands – Walk Off the Earth

A Sky Full of Stars – Coldplay

Break Free – Ariana Grande

Prayer in C – Robin Schulz Radio Edit – Lilly Wood and The Prick

Midnight City – M83

We Come Running – The Knocks Remix – Youngblood Hawke

I Follow Rivers – The Magician Remix – Lykke Li

Midnight City – M83

Do It Again – Röyksopp

Work Hard, Play Hard – Wiz Khalifa

Can’t Do Without You – Caribou

All of Me – (Tiësto’s Birthday Treatment Remix) [Radio Edit] – John Legend

Say My Name (feat. Zyra) – ODESZA

Waiting All Night (feat. Ella Eyre) – Rudimental

Sinnerman – Felix Da Housecat’s Heavenly House Mix – Nina Simone

Alive – Chase & Status

Children Of The Sun – feat. John Martin – Tinie Tempah

I Need Your Love – Calvin Harris

Powerless – feat. Becky Hill – Rudimental

Move – Original Mix – Mausi

Sweet Nothing – Calvin Harris

Without You (feat. Usher) [Radio Edit] – David Guetta

Youth – Foxes

Save the World – Radio Mix – Swedish House Mafia

End Credits – Chase & Status

Spotlight – Moto Blanco Radio Remix – Jennifer Hudson

We Found Love – Calvin Harris

Changing – Sigma

Starry Eyed – Ellie Goulding

Safe And Sound – Capital Cities

Red Lights – Tiësto

What You Know – Two Door Cinema Club

Blame – Calvin Harris

Goodness Gracious – The Chainsmokers Extended Remix – Ellie Goulding

Houdini (RAC Mix) – Foster The People

Prayer in C – Robin Schulz Radio Edit – Lilly Wood and The Prick

Changes – Original Mix – Faul & Wad Ad

That’s Not Me – Skepta

Still Speedin’ – Radio Edit – Sway

Spaceship – Dappy

Pasta party

I should have known that carb loading in Peru is an excuse for another social event. On Friday we shared two delicious pasta dishes between eight of us. My take on  Gordon Ramsay’s pancetta spaghetti with Peruvian dry cured ham went down well, although I’m taking no responsibility for any after effects.


Happy with the official deep blue sleeveless race top and found a matching pair of shorts. However, I realised only afterwards that it only came with a very small side pocket, and after much deliberation I had already decided against my ultra-fashionable hydration belt. I won’t be carrying any water – let the volunteers work for their money. I then bought a much sleeker belt by ASICS, but after I’d stuffed it with four gels, under inspection, from the side, it made me look fat. Given I may not look my best for the photographers anyway, this was something I wasn’t very fond of. Hence I’ve managed to cram two gels in the little pocket, and one will possibly go in my bra. I don’t mind if one of my boobs looks fat and symmetry is overrated. I’ll update later if this was a good idea.





Reminds me of school.



Gladly no quotations marks.


Post Marathon BBQ

Booked for the whole family. Apparently this is the most important part of the day.

Sleep. Now.

Blog. Later.

Tagged , , , ,

Run, Run, as Fast as You Can

There’s nothing as natural as running. As anyone who’s ever survived a school holiday knows, children run all the time. You tell them to stop, mainly because it’s annoying, distracting, stuff breaks and you can’t focus enough to finish a bloody blog post. But parents also fear the horrible accidents that might leave them unable to run, climb or jump ever again – and so we’re always telling them not to run, climb or jump.

Kids don’t ‘jog’ or ‘do exercise’. They don’t run because they missed the train. There’s the sheer joy of movement, even before we were upright, and the language of running is universal. Among my daughter’s first Spanish words was “chapadas”, “tag” (in Peruvian Spanish).

Last Sunday, over 1,500 adults were playing catch in Lima in the Wings for Life World Run global event that drew over 100,000 participants in 35 different countries. Irrespective of time zone, the clock starts at the same time for everyone, but whether you’ll be running a 10k, a half marathon, 42.195 km or even an ultra is up to each runner. Winning in the race is not about being the fastest but also about running the furthest, because once a ‘Wings for Life’ car catches up with you, your life as an antelope is over.


Picture by ifitness.

But it was a good life nonetheless for the Lima participants – no rain, no blaze and temperatures of around 20C. I don’t know whether the race organisers do something to ensure that the race conditions are as level as possible, but in any case, it seems for the top Peruvian runners there’s no mountain high enough. Last year’s men’s silver medallist Remigio Huaman running this year’s race in Austria came third in the global category. Remigio made it to 78k, a distance equal to London to Cambridge. To give perspective, he’s had to average 3:50min/km. I just got out of the city onto the motorway as my journey stopped at 23k (So it would have been Uxbridge and a zone 6 travel card for me).

I have nothing but awe for this humble runner, who I was lucky to meet at the North Face Endurance Challenge earlier this year. The father who doesn’t speak any English, says he could have never imagined travelling the world with his young son, which is what he did with his last year’s prize. Social mobility as literal as it gets.

The event was organised for the first time a year ago to raise funds and publicity for spinal cord injury research. In Peru, the charity running format is still relatively rare and no-one’s heard of fund raising. There are probably various reasons for this, including socio-economic, but I feel that as in Peruvian society in general, there’s also a strong sense of entitlement, with little sense of responsibility. For example, “banditing” – joining races and taking advantage of facilities without paying the registration fee – is not frowned upon like in Europe. In fact, the Spanish expression “correr libre” (run free) has a cute anarchist ring to it, a personal choice a bit like the Paleo diet but less annoying.

As this scenario inevitably changes  – Peruvians are getting richer and international donors are pulling out one by one which means fundraising will become vital to the survival of many charities – Wings for Life seems a completely appropriate cause in Lima.  Most spinal injuries are caused by traffic, and Lima’s traffic being among the most dangerous in the world with nearly three deaths per 100 vehicles. There was some finger in the air pleasure in facing the anger of Lima’s drivers stuck behind the police lines that were providing security for the runners.

It is said that spinal injury is among the worst pains one can experience. On my personal pain scale, I’d give birth without epidural anytime over having vertebral compression.  The nights before I’d convinced myself that it might be a good idea to pop in the clinic, I would lie on the floor in spasms, unable to finish my sentences, while my 6-year old would be fetching pain killers, water and warm towels, or massage my back by walking on it. How we were up for school and work a few hours later, I can’t remember, but if I was a grumpy bitch to be around, I’m sorry.

I know I’m bit of a broken record about the (once) broken back, but it’s partly for me not to trivialise or forget the memory only because in my case it turned out well. For many, especially in lower or middle income countries like Peru, it doesn’t. But it’s also partly because the Wings for Life asks ‘what’s your reason to run’, and the experience just gives a bit more depth to the ‘because I can’.


The ‘quantified self’ there checking her pace too busy to smile for the cameras. Luckily. Picture by ifitness.


Together again! Picture by Luis Antonio Roldan for Peru Runners.

Tagged , , , , ,

Rearranging Prejudices

“A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.”

William James

There may have been a performance appraisal or an interview, where I’ve been guilty of claiming lofty characteristics of someone who has integrity and is highly adaptable. I’m sure it’s not just me as all the firm’s employees, in exchange for an ok bonus, are required to provide evidence on their performance against the core competencies: Demonstrate integrity! Be open minded and agile!

The perfect oxymoron.

Adaptability on a superficial level – yes, I can eat as much raw fish and onion as the next man. But insisting on certain core values can be just as self destructive when living in a completely different culture as in a performance appraisal. When every day is like the Game of Thrones between Principles and Tolerance, what happens to tolerance as a principle?

Juliet Solomon, in a funny book about starting a new life in Lima, ‘Yes…But It’s Different Here’ (which I highly recommend), describes the shock “of moving from an environment where diversity was the norm to one where conformity is essential”. While it is all good to make “fancy Power Points on Hanukkah as a class project, diversity just don’t cut on the playground”.

Take another example, the advice that both Peruvians and foreigners living in Peru are quick to share with a newcomer: you can’t trust anyone. This leaves an awkward choice between being perpetually mistrustful and cagey; or repeatedly disappointed and humiliated. Even if the advice wasn’t fact based, people act like it was, so the effect is more or less the same.

Perhaps with time I will learn the necessary coping mechanisms, and feel less autistic in interpreting people’s expressions. In the meantime, to the shame of my 20-year-old self, I have found some solace in the ‘expat’ community. This includes border-line nationalist Finnish pass-times I haven’t bothered with since the secondary school. Getting beaten at a Tuesday floor-ball (“sähly”) session by the Finnish ambassador. Or singing Finnish folksongs at an international bazar.

photo 1

Las Brujas Del Norte (the witches of the North) in their full glory.

photo 2

Last Saturday the Miraflores sports stadium Manuel Bonilla looked almost like Tottenham high street, with stalls representing Libya, Qatar, Ukraine, Russia, India… For one day it was as easy to buy British cider as to find the Russians with a bottle opener.  DD’s favourite stalls were (surprisingly) the British and the Finnish ones, although she spent all her money on the Belgian stall – nationalism meets capitalism. Almost the only thing reminding me that we were in Peru was the micro monetary system, where the vendors are unable to accept cash (never trust anyone) and instead you have to (queue to) exchange your money for non-refundable paper tokens worth five soles (one quid) each. You either end up with too much useless Monopoly money or making return trips to the queue when you really do need another Belgian waffle. I won’t even begin on the confusion when the cost of your purchase isn’t dividable by five.

Short-changed or with worthless currency, is what I feel whenever I’m exchanging something I believe in for something that makes me fit in, and this would probably make me less suited for a diplomatic career. On the other hand, while I’m not suggesting that you should severe relations over a waffle, sometimes – or especially? – even foreign ministers have to go packing.

But before I’d do that, there are many comparatively good things about living in Lima, which I’m quite sure I will miss once back in a country where buses don’t try to run me over. Here’s the list, which you can completely trust*.

(*Disclaimer: in case it doesn’t become obvious, this is based on a subjective experience of a 30-something mother hanging out in the posher neighbourhoods of Miraflores and San Isidro. For more methodological lists, one can refer to Buzzfeed.)

Ten Comparatively Good Things about Living in Lima That Are Not Food

  1. No people dressed in bathrobes bellowing ‘what a wonderful world’ to a bottle of vodka out on the street corner at 9am. Peruvians might be “bonkers” as DD summed up another incident that saw her mother employ less diplomatic language, and madness may be more evenly distributed across the society than in Britain. But, there are well-known studies that show that the prevalence of some serious psychotic illnesses such as schizophrenia is far lower outside English-speaking developed countries. In case you were wondering why you should visit Peru, THIS, right up there with Macchu Picchu, could be the reason.
  2. Not being told by a passer-by that my bicycle helmet does not conform with the EU standards. No-one cares. Helmet? What’s that? As a mother of a high-energy child with what Sheryl Sandberg might call leadership skills, I’m particularly grateful that Peruvians mind their own business. Really, no-one cares.
  3. The public attitude that doesn’t cast children as either victims or villains. There’s a child friendliness to the point that a kid gives you the entitlement to jump almost any queue. (Which in practice means reclaiming your original place. But more on that on another list.) Tested last Sunday on an older posh lady claiming her right of way at a supermarket till reserved for people with “discapacidades” just as I was unloading my shopping basket. “She’s my disability,” I pointed to my 7-year-old performing cartwheels between the washing detergent promotion and bananas – with a dry tone of voice that was supposed to indicate a joke, not a closing statement of O.J. Simpson’s defence, although the effect was the latter. Child friendliness 1 – Sarcasm 0.
  4. Everyone expects that everyone is a fraudster. But no-one expects that everyone is a paedophile, which, on balance, is worse. This gives even the male members of the society the confidence, unheard of in England, to call a stranger’s kid “preciosa” or squeeze her cheeks, which I do acknowledge to DD is irritating but cheek abuse is not child abuse. (But now I’m panicking that this blog post encourages a plane full of 1980s British TV-stars heading to Peru, because of course everyone…)
  5. I used to think lateness as a sin of the dark age, but now I weigh the frustration of having had to wait for someone/Someone/ex-Someone against the elevated blood pressure when I’ve been running more than two minutes late for a meeting or school pick up (most days). I was once two hours late picking DD up from her school in the Lima outskirts, which is more than enough time for the British social services to open a case file. Here they hadn’t even called me in the first hour and no-one seemed particularly traumatised.
  6. No Islamic threat, no radicalisation of the youth, no ‘rivers of blood’, no immigration “problem”, no capsizing boats, etc that have obsessed Europe since the crusades. Boooring. How about an ex president serving time for human rights violations and corruption while his heiress and supporter is the credible candidate for the next Peruvian presidency?
  7. I’ve not been told to go back to my own country, the particular citizens of which, on the other hand, have told me just that on many occasions, even when I haven’t ranted about everything that’s fucked up about the country. Peruvians are first to react to embarrassing public services with a humble “it’s Peru – what do you expect”, but if there’s any embarrassment in this admission, it is short-lived and la vida goes on.
  8. Not one you might expect, but I feel safe. I leave the house under the cover of darkness just after 4am in a tiny pair of running shorts and headphones on to meet my running buddies in a nearby park, which I’d have never done in North London. There’s always a Serenazco – a Peruvian bobby on the beat – within sight and wishing you good morning.
  9. While diversity still has some way to go, in many ways I find Lima inclusive. In no other country I’ve been, I’ve seen patrolling police in a wheel chair. In DD’s school most classes include children with physical or developmental disabilities, and to DD this seems to be as standard as having both boys and girls in a class. Like, duh. In her British nursery or school there wasn’t one child with a visible disability. Where are they? And while the sight of the indigenous domestic slaves trailing behind and carrying their employer families’ beach gear makes me see red, seeing older or disabled people out and about with personal support, makes up for the lack of accessible infrastructure and seems a lot more humane than the alternatives normal citizens of a ‘welfare state’ could afford.
  10. Running in Lima provides me with metaphors for everything that is beautiful about Limeños. Last Saturday on our training run, separated from the rest of the group, at the 28th kilometre my running partner said she had to cut it “short” to go to work. When she realised I was clueless about the remaining 4k of the route, she decided to stay. “Won’t you be late for work?,” I asked, but she couldn’t leave me there wandering around a few extra kilometres for nothing. She’d come up with something for the boss.

…Happy Labour Day!


British migrants in Peru. (Or a British interpretation of a Peruvian migrant in Britain back in Peru.)


Tagged , , , , ,

Running with the Peruvians

I have a confession to make. I’ve been unfaithful. Two-timing. Strayed from a perfectly functioning relationship. I look beside me at 4.30 am and there’s a man, thirty years my senior. And I’m struggling to keep his pace.

Which is precisely 5:13 min/km on a half marathon. After the first 10k of our 21k training run, I fall behind my running buddy. Since the outlandish school hours forced me to cheat on my old running group ‘Miraflores Runners’, I’ve started my mornings with delegates from ‘Corre Perú’, which has a radically different approach to training.

Because getting from A to B is never as simple as getting from A to B. For the past few weeks I have been a slave to my sports watches (I can’t decide between Polar M400 and Garmin Forerunner. It’s me, the person who can’t choose on which continent to live!) to help me follow the detailed data tables specifying my speed zones for each workout. These are supposed to achieve me a respectable finishing time for the Lima Marathon in May. I did run my 10k PB sparked by the words of the Cuban coach Daniel Gorina that too many of us are “conservative”. Not as in Katie Hopkins – although there are too many of her as well – but as in conservative energy savers during a race; like you had any further use for your body parts after the finish line. If you’ve never during your career pledged to give “your 110%”, nor had the pleasure of working with someone who does, we need to have a chat, because I want your job. This boast has never made much sense to me – until last month. Now the cliché could even be quantified (04:20min/km)! Never mind Academia Gorina was only really asking us to give our 98% – less catchy for management consultants, but on a 10k you will enjoy the taste of blood in your mouth all the same. “If you abandon the training, you abandon the training – as long as you give it ALL you got.” (Minus the 2 per cent…)

This is completely opposite to the Protestant take on life of ‘to the bitter end, no matter what or how long it takes’. As for everything delivered while dressed in lycra, I started considering how I might apply this new piece of wisdom as a metaphor to other areas of my life, say, relationships. (But Hazel Davis already makes the case for drinking absinthe in the street here.)

While deviating from the macabre data tables by going too slow or too fast is parallel to making excuses to the speed camera, a failed run with Miraflores Runners would probably just be a run that you didn’t enjoy. Or a run without any group selfies. (My FB friends can appreciate the success rate in this regard.)

While I do need to challenge myself, I feel at home with this philosophy. In Peru I have discovered that endurance running is not about the solitary but the solidarity. The running equivalent of ‘we’re all in this together’ – as Adrharanand Finn describes in his thoroughly enjoyable best-seller Running with the Kenyans:

“In a group it is easier. It can feel as though the group is running, not you. As though the movement around you has picked you up and is carrying you along. The switching back and fort of legs focusing the mind, synchronising it, setting a rhythm for your body to follow. As soon as you become detached from the group, its power evaporates and it feels harder to run.”

If this camaraderie, training in high altitudes, ‘reverence for running’ and, in some cases, escape from poverty lie behind the success of Kenyan runners, it’s not surprising that there are Peruvian runners hot on the non-cushioned heels of the nation of champions. On Sunday, the pint-sized 28-year-old Inés Melchor made a new national 42.2km record nowhere else but in neighbouring Chile – a sweet Peruvian victory that is spurring high hopes for an Olympic gold in Rio next year.

So I will conclude with a wisdom that I’m happy sell to the highest paying political party candidate to use in the next elections, without having to travel 6,000 miles to the ancient land of the Inka empire:

“We’re all in this together – 110%.”

Even if last weekend I couldn’t keep up, and got lost from my literally young at heart running partner. It’s a good time for a dose of Finnish pessimism, and remind myself that despite having the ugliest feet in the world, I don’t currently count ‘Olympic hope’ among my occupations, but rather, am a 30-something mum, with a degree in sociology, a certificate in project management and one or two other weaknesses. Who cares about my (running) achievements or failures – or to the point, can tell one from another, apart from me? And I can always load my expectations and unrealised dreams on the cute shoulders of the next generation. While also reminding her – if something ain’t working for you, it really is ok to leave. (Except the vegetables.) But the face says she might not be doing that any time soon.


Playas Del Sur where DD gets covered in pink and comes third.

Sharing the page with Inés Melchor, DD with the Miraflores Runners in yesterday's Libero.

Sharing the page with Inés Melchor, DD with the Miraflores Runners in yesterday’s Libero.

La ciudad blanca - or five white kilometres organised by the local borough of Miraflores.

La ciudad blanca – or five white kilometres organised by the local borough of Miraflores.

Tagged , , , , ,

Having Your Oyster And Eating It Too


Good old fashioned magazines.

It was a mother’s day in England on Sunday, and I had the rare luxury of getting hold of some good old printed Finnish women’s mags. They are a fresh breeze from a world that is both so familiar and distant to me, having lived in (only slightly) warmer temperatures for the past twelve years.

In addition to the pleasure of reading in my native language, I often like the worldview they represent. In comparison to their global sisters, it feels to me that they are not as obsessed with success – or that success is defined in broader terms than making it to the FHM’s sexiest women in the world list. They cover fewer people who are famous for being celebrities. Anything from overcoming an addiction to running a business to skiing to the North Pole will be ok. I was reading about Mira Karppinen, skiing 2500km across Norway this winter. No novice to the remotest areas of the world, she’s has cycled in Patagonia in the Southern tip of Argentina and spent four years on Svalbard islands (the archipelago between Norway and the North Pole that I’ve heard mentioned on a Geography class). On this solitary trip (which she blogs about here), she takes comfort in the Internet brought knowledge that there will be one other person completing the same challenge round about the same time. (For a Finn, any more would be a crowd.) Kodin Kuvalehti quotes Mira:

“Sometimes there’s a voice inside me trying to say, hello, you’re in your thirties. You need to have children and a permanent job. Then I ask the voice, says who? … I don’t let the fear take over. I want to push my limits and head towards the frightening… At least I’m trying to realise my dreams. Not everyone does.”


We’d like more huskies in magazine covers.

I wonder if this romanticisation of both physical and spiritual journeys, is a very Western pastime. Finance assistants running away with the circus, and other ways of self-actualisation, may not be what the vast majority of the world’s population have in their radar. As Dear Boyfriend reminds me, perhaps self-actualisation is used as an alibi for poor life planning and peripatetic careers. We are on the peak of the needs hierarchy, which in fact looks more like an hour glass than a triangle anyway. With the love and family bit in the middle having shrunk, all the sand is racing to fill either the physical needs or the need for self-actualisation at each extreme.

Yet, like hungry stomachs, it seems that even the need for self-fulfilment needs to be satisfied again and again, and weighed up against other choices. Even the circus “isn’t always as exciting as tumbling across elephants in feather headdresses, juggling on a unicycle or swinging across the sky on a mile-high trapeze. Some performers say they have made tough lifestyle choices: leaving a marriage, forgoing health insurance despite high risk of major injury and living out of tiny trailers in venue parking lots.”

With my fruitless efforts of finding a job in Peru, I’m a bit fed up with Pinterest and Instagram feeding beautiful landscape pictures with inspirational quotes (you know who you are); I don’t want to watch anymore TED talks; who is Arianna Huffington; and puh-lease spare me this mindfulness business. I feel like a bit of a twit most times I face an average middle class Peruvian who’s devoted their life to boring work to offer their kids education and their parents a health insurance, things I so lightly traded for stamps in the passport.

It’s a bit like arriving on Mars and just as you are about to write an epic FB status that would merit its own hash-tag for at least a week, you are met by an astonished Martian who instead of congratulating you, repeats you paid how many billions to get here? Welcome to IRL. And then you realise that, yes, the local education provision does kind of suck. And that Martians have ‘first world problems’ but without the parody. If that wasn’t enough, the nagging voice travels across the space from home at the speed of sound: “so we’re not that happy ever after, after all?” The Finnish version of the ‘world is your Oyster’ saying is ‘it doesn’t pay to go further than the sea to fish’.

But on the other hand, if you survive an illness or an accident, for some time at least, you will want to go further and think about the moment you have and not so much ‘the after’. And this is why I continue to draw inspiration from the non-famous women pushing the limits. I realise that I’m lucky to have many friends doing just that. My friend Anne, a mother of a four-year-old who runs a health food business in the wee hours after finishing with her ‘real job’. Or Liisa who secretly from her employer completed an MBA while taking care of a toddler. Or Lotta, a mother of four who, in her late forties, the last time I checked, was learning freestyle BMX. It is these every day trapeze artists I want to read about. I suppose I could finish this, which was not about oysters at all, with a bit of an ode to the Finnish woman with the cojones – who I could say is my ideal man. I love their grit, adventurousness, physical and mental stamina and the Sahara dry sense of humour. It is a mystery to me, how in the collective black hole of pessimism and xenophobia that Finland represents to me, there are so many of these Northern Stars, glimmering  hope on the sometimes misguided path of this aspiring ultramarathoner far from home.

“Inside all of us is Hope.

Inside all of us is Fear.

Inside all of us is Adventure.

Inside all of us is… A Wild Thing.”


‘Where the Wild Things Are’ by Maurice Sendak

Tagged , , , ,

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 483 other followers